Mental Log
I had a dream today:
I went back to my hometown to take care of my grandpa before everything happened.
He was still healthy, he only had a cough sometimes.
I asked him to drink 5 cups of water every day to help him recover soon.
I started to think he could escape from death this time,
and felt a bit relieved.
But suddenly I woke up,
and realised everything was in vain.
‘it feels like i’m watching my life happen through a fuzzy television screen. i feel far away from this world. almost foreign in this body. as if every happy memory has been wiped clean from the bowl of my mind. i close my eyes and i can’t remember what happy feels like. my chest collapses into my stomach knowing that i have to get up in the morning and pretend i’m not fading away all over again. i want to reach out and touch things. i want to feel them touch me back. i want to live. i want the vitality of my life back.’
—— rupi kaur <home body>
Sometimes,
things are not like what you thought:
‘What has passed is the past, life is completely new’.
It may have already corroded your body, your soul,
become the trauma, like a tumour.
Then it comes out without any precaution, into your nightmare,
and let you experience the pain,
again and again and again.
有時，
事情並不會像你想象中那樣:
「過去的就過去了，一切重新開始」。
它們或許早已變成腫瘤，留下創傷，
侵蝕了軀體，腐蝕了靈魂。
然後在你毫無防備的時候，
進入夢中，成為夢魘。
不斷，不斷，不斷地，
對你百般折磨。
我只是蒼穹一粒
我盡了力能做的 也只不過僅僅是「存在」而已
We are all human.
Come and go,
Born and die.
They snipped off my wings,
but still expect me to fly high.
They cut me in pieces,
but still want me to live a full life.
他們剪斷了我的翅膀
卻期待著我展翅飛翔
他們讓我的靈魂支離破碎
卻始終要我活著負罪
2019 is the 10th year that I have been living with depression. Aside from facing the inexpressible pains given by it which may explode anytime, and dealing with plenty of uncontrollable daily side-effects brought by my medication, because of the invisibility and stigmatisation of mental disease, experiencing misunderstanding and rejection is also a part of life.
During the past 10 years, I’d not only had doubts about being alive and existent thousands of times, lost interest in my favourite hobby, burst into tears at midnight without reason, wished euthanasia could be legal for depression, and kept begging I would no longer wake up on next day; but also, I’d always been blamed for my negativity, not understood by families and friends for many years, rejected by people that I tried so hard to get acceptance, and given up by the person I loved and seen as the spiritual pillar…
I have always been living in a Black Hole, and I don’t know how long I still need to stay.
At times, I begin to see the stars. Even though there are not many, and they are so tiny, they are bright and stunning, right there, shining on me. You, each one of you, who have accepted me, loved me, supported me, encouraged me, helped me, guided me, listened to me, or been kind to me, you are the stars in my firmament, the stars who keep me alive.
2019年是我和抑鬱症一起生活的第10年。除了要面對痛苦和絕望隨時登⻔造訪，藥物治療所帶來的的大量副作用，還有人們對精神疾病的歧視和污名化，經歷誤解和偏⻅也成為了我生活的一部分。
在過去的10年里，我不僅失去了我熱愛的興趣，經歷了無數次對自己生命和存在的質疑，無數次在夜晚突然失控淚流滿面，無數次希望「安樂死」能夠合法化，無數次希望我第二天不再醒來；同時，我也經歷了家人和朋友多年的不理解，被指責自己的消極和負能量，被自己重視並最希望得到認可的人們無情的拒絕，被曾經視為精神支柱的摯愛放棄······
我一直在黑洞里不停地墜落，不知道什麼時候才能停止。
但現在，我漸漸地可以看到星星了。雖然它們寥寥無幾屈指可數，但它們就在那，光芒耀眼，照亮著我。
你，你們 —— 接受了如此不堪的我並依舊選擇給予愛、給予支持和鼓勵、給予幫助和引導、給予聆聽和善意的你，你們，就是我黑暗夜空里的星星。
I have been trying to live in my own world, because every single piece of the real human world that is called “reality” would always stick to me painfully, and make me feel hopeless. That’s why I can’t help but stay away from those people who are too realistic.
But sometimes I still could not fully escape. Those pieces slip into you everywhere from people who are close to you. I know many people just cared about me and didn’t have any intentions, and I do know I could not always stay in my own tower of ivory, but I really just want to be simple and pure. I don’t want to put so much effort to think about how to have an easier life in this human society, and I honestly don’t care about what if I was fucked.
If I died then I died, I don’t have anything that cannot be put down.