Mental Log

23/10/2023 /  by Starry Kong

我曾經覺得學歷很重要

你讀的專業 學校 決定著你這個人的價值

上重點高中 讀世界名牌大學 似乎就代表著「優秀」

後來覺得性格有趣很重要

大家都推崇著「有趣的靈魂」

似乎開朗 幽默 多才多藝才能被他人所喜愛

But now I don’t give a fuck anymore

逃避 慵懶 苟且的活著 也沒什麼不好

僅僅是「存在著」 就已經讓我竭盡全力 身心俱疲

「優秀」 「有趣」 「被喜愛」這種事就見鬼去吧

02/08/2023 /  by Starry Kong

就這樣冬去春來 四季更替

一年一年又一年

我能在這個世界上的日子又有多久

光陰似箭 日月如梭

生命強大的同時又無比脆弱

人對死亡的恐懼流露出了對生命的期待與熱愛

而我 什麼時候能擁有這份恐懼

28/03/2023 /  by Starry Kong

I’ve been spending plenty of time in my life waiting.

When I was a child,

I was waiting for the weekends,

waiting for my mum, my dad,

waiting for the promises they made to come true.

When I turned a bit older,

I started to wait for the person I liked to reply to my messages,

wait for growing up,

wait to escape the relationships, the places that made me suffer.

Then I became a “grown-up”,

I just waited for tomorrow not to come,

waited for my medication starting to functioning,

waited for my depression getting ease,

waited for the Kamisama to give me the chance to continue living.

Now,

I’m just simply waiting for time to pass by,

until death to come.

11/03/2023 /  by Starry Kong

今天本來想做白菜豆腐粉絲味增湯

把豆腐拿出來的時候 發現豆腐軟軟的好像有點變質了 但覺得應該沒關係還能吃 就依然把豆腐加入已放有白菜的味增湯里

後來越煮越發現豆腐不對勁都散開了 吃了一口 口感也怪怪的 就把豆腐全部撈出來

想著剩下的別浪費 應該沒關係 就繼續做了 然後加入了海帶和粉絲

最後做好後盛到碗里 嘗了一口湯發現實在是沒法喝 那些散掉的豆腐渣都在湯里 於是我只能整個倒掉重新做

假如一開始發現豆腐不對勁就倒掉的話 味增、白菜、海帶和粉絲 就都不會被浪費

15/01/2023 /  by Starry Kong

最近總是在毫無防備之下 過去的某段不安感覺會突然被重新憶起 而那種熟悉的恐懼感也會湧上心頭

我所能做的也只有及時打住 否則我很清楚自己將要面臨什麼

「未來充滿無限可能」 這句話對我來說只是無稽之談

為了能讓自己有所謂的「未來」 我已耗盡心力身心俱疲 我不敢有任何的奢望

於我而言 「未來」就等於繼續活著  繼續活著就等於未來

14/12/2022 /  by Starry Kong

I’m already 30 years old, but I can barely be a proper “adult”. I still don’t have a stable job, don’t have savings, and the money I earn each month can only just support myself. People I used to know my age, either working in well-known companies, had very “good-looking” qualifications, or were already got kid/kids. Everyone is on the way to being a qualified adult. Even though I don’t really care about these things, sometimes they still bring me anxiety. I guess social norms are just like viruses that affect us in every way.

I’m a person who has always been living on the edge of this human world. Ever since I lost my sense of belonging at age 11, I’ve been feeling that I don’t belong in this world. “Alienation”? “Divergent”? I don’t really know how I can describe it. The self-doubt, self-denial, and self-loathing just always keep spinning in my head. The gap between my own world and reality has caused too much pain, and it keeps tearing me apart.

I have been trying my best to keep this life continuing, in every way that I could think of, but sometimes I really don’t know what to do anymore.

20/07/2022 /  by Starry Kong

我並不是一個善於維繫人類情感的個體 比起和他人在一起 我更喜歡獨處 然而一旦纏繞上了 就很難再解開 其實比起解不開 我更懼怕的是依賴 因為一旦依賴上 就會從「無所不能」變成「一無所能」

今年是我活在這個世界上的第三十年 我從未想過自己能堅持這麼久 二十五歲的時候 我和自己說 如果到三十歲我依然很痛苦很絕望的話 那麼我就選擇結束

今年 我覺得我還能再往下活個五年 然而三十歲了 我依然覺得自己無法成為人們口裡所謂的「大人」